thing is,

thing is, i dont drink alcohol. thats often a problem. sometimes i have to explain.

thing is, i dont like alcohol. not its taste. not the feeling it gives me. it makes me silly and stupid. and aggressive. which all these things i can acces easily without alcohol – thank you very much. and dont even get me started on the peer pressure issue… alcohol. the. social. drug.

thing is, i am a heroin man. thats the high i want. the high clostest to the way i ultimately want to be. centered. mellow. cool. zen.

thing is, heroin kills. heroin is too damn dangerous. its lethal. it killed me my liver already. plus its too damn addictive. i tried it once. and from then on for 2 years straight. daily. that good! more and more of it. that no good! this was 20 years ago…

thing is, i can’t do my favorite drug ever again. or die. sometimes i imagine my suicide as follows: its summer, i am naked on a lonely mountain top using heroin one last time. if my pain gets too much, i might do this… but i still cant decide if suicide is even an option.

thing is, if not heroin, nothing… so i am clean and sober. which i am meant to be, if its life that i choose. i am meant to find the high i described earlier through natural means. and the question may be allowed: would it still be called a “high” then?

thing is, to use a tried and tired image: heroin showed me the top of the mountain. now i have to find my own way up there.

thing is, drugs are good for that. and almost only for that. they show us whats possible. they set up the challenge. think of pills. especially pills. empathy. nice mountain top that.

thing is, there is only one way to the moutain top. up. but then again, maybe its down. and we just think its up. a trick of the mind.

thing is, what i look for is already here. always has been. always will be. it just is. the work is to stop believing that its not. which mind will always almost convince me to be true. but thats just mind. and this just is.

About Jan Zuppinger

Jan Zuppinger has been writing this blog since 2002. He likes to grow vegetables. He likes to eat them too. He has opinions on everything, but sadly no one cares. Jan Zuppinger is not joking, just joking, he is joking, just joking, he's not joking. *click.