pain

friday thursday night around 2.30 i wake up with a huge pain in my left knee. this comes on completely out of the blue, like a stab. i have not had any pains in my knees in recent days. this is the most extreme pain i have ever experienced. it makes me want to howl. instantly i start to wonder, what this could be? my mind starts the worry machine and things get worse. i rake my brain to find a reason for this. will i die? is it bone marrow cancer? you know the spiel.
meanwhile its almost impossible to find a comfortable position, that will not trigger more pain. my manoeuvres are not made easier by the fact that i sprained my right wrist a few days ago. within minutes the pain shoots through my whole body. i start to get a headache from the tension. i try to breeze deeply, but my lungs also have taken on the cramp.
what to do?
i lay awake for hours, shivering, moaning, in agony, my whole system flooded with pain. i realise how i am fighting the pain – with all i got… so i finally decide to give into it. at exactly that moment the pain gets transformed into someting else, it becomes somehow almost abstract. i am still hurting, but now the pain just is. its just a sensation, an intense one, but in the end only that. i start to notice a rythm in the pain, shifting in intensity and pronociation. these things make it okay. i fall asleep around 5.30.
two days later, the pain is still there. not nearly as intense as before. compared to what it was this is just an afterthought. two days ago i was convinced i was dying, or i wished i was dead. now this also has passed.
and no worries, i wont start to quote nitzsche…

edit: actually, i was lying. its actually still very very very very bad!!! honest like.
[lets hope that convinces madame wurzel to come nuuuuurse me in her skimpy outfit…]

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About Jan Zuppinger

Jan Zuppinger has been writing this blog since 2002. He likes to grow vegetables. He likes to eat them too. He has opinions on everything, but sadly no one cares. Jan Zuppinger is not joking, just joking, he is joking, just joking, he's not joking. *click.