i am back home after a one month trip to san francisco/northern california. the overwhelming feeling today is one of relief. that i made it home in one piece. san francisco is a challenging place to visit for someone in my condition, ridden by as many fears and phobias as i am. there is a threat and a challenge lurking on every corner, the threat of imminent violence, life is messy in the beautiful city. but i am also incredibly sad. because i miss my friends, who have been so absolutely generous in their hospitality. i miss the deep, honest conversations with them, as well as the friendly, superficial ones with total strangers. and i will miss the challenges as well. because here? nothing.
in switzerland everything is so clean, so on time, so boring. life in america is much more intense. there are the challenges of every day life, that jolt me out of my depression, but also – and this i value very highly – there are aesthetic inspirations everywhere you look. there is soooo much beauty among all the mess. switzerland, not messy, but where is the beauty hiding?
could i move back there? i don’t think so. the conversations i had with my few very good friends, reminded me of how very hard living and surviving in that country and in that city can be. in your face misery is what keeps everyone on their toes in the american cities. i need the safety net of a social democracy.
the first few days of my visit, seeing all the homeless people in the streets again, so often tears were welling up in my eyes. then the homeless teenagers hanging out at the soma borders bookstore, surrounded by their few bags of belongings, pretending to read books, struggeling not to nod off, that did it, that threw me over the edge, i was crying. but then, i got used to it…
outside on the balcony the basil is past its prime. while i was away, a man with a grand piano moved in downstairs from us and across the street they started to pull a building apart. lots of new noise. but i am not worried about that. soon we will move for the third time in just one year. but what will i do to not fall back into my depression? i need short term and long term projects. i need a job. i need more friends. i need challenges. i need to meditate and do yoga. the urban homesteading thing sounds good. but it is very hard to find a house for it here. maybe the most important phobia that i should try to overcome is glossophobia, the fear of public speaking. then i could start to teach. outside on our balcony a tomato is turning red just in time before the cold.