no more movies in theatres ever

yesterday the sunday papers here in switzerland printed a story about the fact that less and less people are going to the movietheatres.
they blamed the dvd.
i blame people!
there are just so many ways how people can do irritating things during a movie.
and believe me i have studied them. i wrote the following a few days ago… after coming out of a movie:

thats it. i am sick of it. no more movietheatres for me. never ever again.
its just so much better to watch films at home. on dvd. with surround sound. and most importantly: without all the annoying people.
call me neurotic, but i have had too many films spoiled by stupid loud irritating people. some films i will remember more by the annoying persons, that were in the theatre, than by their story. that also says something about the quality of the film, i agree. but still…

just think of it. you are sitting in a dark room surrounded by complete strangers. and given this strange kind of anonymity, human nature is such, that people will automatically behave in the worst possible way.
i have observed several methods of how people can be annoying in movietheatres: [in order of the irritation they can cause]

1. the scenespoiler will make sure to always laugh really loudly in all the wrong moments, gasp ironically in emotional moments, or otherwise communicate his hip critical superiority to all the others in the theatre, who are just trying to enjoy the movie. the worst type of scenespoiler is somebody who already has seen the film and will tell his partner things like: “this is the scene where…”

2. the mobilephoneignorer: we have all seen it happen. the movie has started. somebody forgot to turn off his cell phone. a call comes in. the cell phone starts to exult in its polyphonic splendor. the owner however, either because he is too embarrassed or too out of it, pretends its not his phone. the phone rings on and on. everybody suspects who it is. the longer he or she ignores to answer the call, the more embarrassing it gets. hence he or she keeps ignoring it. awful.

3. the plasticbagdiggers are usually older ladies, who come into the theatre with an outraegous amount of plastic bags. they will sit down quietly, in the corner, posing their bags neatly next to themselves. yet as soon as the movie reaches its first quiet moment they will start digging around these plastic bags, looking for something, in the dark, not finding it, mumbling. the plasticbagdigger is especially prevelant in the uk. i dont think i have ever seen a movie in england without at least one of them.

4. the talkative couple: next time you’re in a theatre look around before the movie starts. you’ll notice a couple looking around sheepishly not saying a word to eachother. well, not for long! because as soon as the movie starts this very couple will start talking. non-stop. they seem to go to the movies to talk together. is it the darkness that lowers their inhibition? is it the soundsystem that makes them less self-concious? usually there is one partner, who does not get the film and the other explaining it to him or her.

5. the-friends-catching-up are usually two girls in their early 30’s, who for some strange reason decided that a movie theatre would be the perfect place to catch up with eachother. they’ll be yapping on and on non-stop all through the movie.

6. the popcornterrorist: usually comes with an extra-large portion of popcorn and somehow manages to eat popcorn much more loudly than most normal people. i wonder how they manage to do that. they usually also dig around their popcorn containers much more loudly. in switzerland we have this awful situation, that the films have a pause in the middle. so in a very bad case you’ll have one popcornterrorist in the beginning, and when he finally finished his popcorn, the break will come and the next popcornterrorist can get his bag.

7. the ticketorigamist will play around with his ticket all thorough the film. folding it, rolling it, cleaning his fingernails, making all kinds of very imaginative noises with it – and here comes the worst of it – without ever noticing it himself. its called a tick.

in another category all together are the: boogerdigger: he – and here it usually is a he – will take advantage of the darkness to dig around his nose during a good, extensive, deep session. problem is, its never quite that dark actually.
and the spacebuster, who in a perfectly empty theatre will manage to sit right in front of you, usually after the movie has already started and you were all exited, that there was an empty seat in front of you.

About Jan Zuppinger

Jan Zuppinger has been writing this blog since 2002. He likes to grow vegetables. He likes to eat them too. He has opinions on everything, but sadly no one cares. Jan Zuppinger is not joking, just joking, he is joking, just joking, he's not joking. *click.