“ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do you ever feel an urge to kiss trees? Do animals sometimes talk to you? Can you predict the future by divining the way corn flakes float in the last puddle of milk in your bowl? Do you have a special fascination with chocolate roosters, statues of pro wrestlers, and conspiracy theories? Have you ever fantasized of being a
transsexual spy? Are there patterns that resemble constellations on the soles of your feet? If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you’re most likely an extraterrestrial who has amnesia or is in disguise. The upcoming week will be fantastic because events will remind you of life on your home planet. If you answered no to four or more questions, you’re probably not an alien, but for maximum comfort you should act like one this week.”
or maybe i aint?