This is an open letter addressed to men. It is trying hard not to say “Not All Men”, while at the same time investigating the underlying issue. “Not All Men” often gets used by men as a deflection tactic with the aim not to take any responsibility. But the opposite is the case. Men do need to take responsibility and start to assist feminists, women and marginalized groups to fight the massive anti-feminist backlash that we are witnessing.
Author’s note: I started to write this a while ago, in December 2024, around the time of the Pelicot trials. Since then i grew hesitant to publish it. Because i do not want to ingratiate myself (as in position myself as one of the “good men”) nor do i claim to be an ally (that’s not for me to say). I sincerely hope that i managed to avoid these traps and have not fallen into virtue signalling either. Please let me know what you think.

Dear men,
We need to talk.
I am fed up with us.
Something has got to give.
During the recent Pelicot trials, while all the horrific details were revealed, many women and feminists called for men to take a stance against rape culture. This text is my attempt to do so. But i also agree with the quote by David Graeber (seen in the image above), that the oppressed think much more about their oppressors and therefore know more about them. Any attempt to speak out by someone like myself, a man, can therefore at best be flawed.
From my journal: Last night i woke up from a dream in which i had written a book, that was addressed to men. The book was an appeal to men to stand together against sexism and sexual violence. When thinking about it the next day, i became hesitant. Such a book might sound corny or–and that would be even worse–ingratiating. But hey. When a dream tells me to do something, i comply. It won’t be a book, though, and who knows if i even find the courage to publish it?! (If you read this, i did)
For years i have used he/they pronouns, because i am convinced that gender is a spectrum and not a binary. But that does not change the fact that i am a white, mostly cis, mostly het person, that usually gets read as male. I am not male by choice, mind you, it just kind of happened. Luck of the draw? Or misfortune? I guess, that depends on how you look at it. To me it has always felt like a misfortune.
There is no doubt in my mind, if i had been given a choice, i would have joined team women. I never enjoyed it to be a man or, to be more precise, what being a man stands for (under the current system and predicament). To be read as male not only feels like an unmerited privilege, but also like an unwanted burden. Beyond that though, the way male privilege gets justified by a few random, biological markers, that were acquired in the lottery of birth, has always felt absurd to me.
Both the privilege and the burden associated with living inside a male body have always made me sick. The daily, casual, habitual and much too widespread abuse of male privilege, that i witness among my fellow men, feels grotesque and makes me want to distance myself from it all. At the same time i have always tried to reject, or redefine, the burdens placed on me because i am male (military service, sole breadwinner, macho shit etc.).
None of it ever felt right.
Where’s the exit?
I want out.
But let’s back up a bit.
First of all, allow me to make one thing crystal clear. Toxic masculinity is a thing, a lived reality, and not just a fashionable or “woke” term. Toxic masculinity makes women suffer. But not only them. I am convinced that every single man suffers under it as well. I for one can say without a moment of hesitation: the toxic masculinity that i witness around, but also within me, makes me suffer. If you, who might read this, agree with this sentiment, the question then becomes: What are we going to do about it? What can we, or rather, what must we do in order to stop the ramping up of toxic masculinity, that we are currently experiencing around the world?
There is urgency, in a time when “anti-woke” rhetoric reaches its highest peaks. In a time when political offices around the world get assumed by convicted sexual abusers and rapists. In a time when rape culture wins the election for the presidency of the most powerful nation, the so-called US of A. In a time when long established gender equity measures are getting walked back. In a time when femicide numbers keep growing instead of going down. In this time of a horrendous anti-feminist backlash, that is an instrumental part of the fascist project. What we are witnessing is nothing less than an anti-feminist and reactionary counterinsurgency, under the guise of anti-woke and anti-trans, that tries to bomb us back to the sexism, racism, ableism, homo- and transphobia etc. of the 1950s.
In this climate it is imperative for us men to assume our role in assisting the women who fight to reverse this trend. We, men, need to take a stance. The situation has gotten out of hand. Each one of us, who understands this to be a fundamental problem, needs to say it, loud and clear: Enough is enough. (Sorry Chumbawamba)
I am sure that many, maybe even most of us, are decent men, who treat the women around us with respect. Or who at least try our best to do so. And i also understand, that for many of us, in our day to day lives, it does not feel as if we were the ones in power. Or as if we had much privilege. But i mention this only to state the obvious. It does not justify, not in any way, for us to start to scream “Not All Men”, often an attempt to deflect responsibility.
The opposite is true. Once we understand the structural nature of male dominance, men need to understand that we must assist women to fight back against the anti-feminist backlash and the fascist turn. And it might even be smart to consider to join the majority.
If we count all the marginalized groups, women, trans & LGBT people, poc & indigenous communities, together they make up the overwhelming majority of the world’s population. But the numerical minority (white, cis-het, males) still dominates in all the relevant areas. If a minority continues to oppress the majority, the problem must be a structural one. At the same time, in the overwhelming majority of all cases it is men, who are responsible for violence and abuse (in all its various forms) against women and other marginalized groups.
Let us speculate for a minute here what could happen, if enough of the anti-toxic men–meaning those of us who want to get rid of rape culture and toxic masculinity–joined the numerical majority and took a stance against male dominance and abuse. We could see some real change around here. Don’t you agree?
In a time when an anti-feminist backlash sweeps the globe, the need for courage becomes undeniable. Our individual efforts to respect women, or to be decent human beings, are no longer enough. What this situation demands is for us to get active and outspoken in our solidarity with the marginalized groups, but also in our sharpest condemnation of male privilege. We need to stand together, make active efforts to dismantle the underlying structural problems. There are a number of concrete steps that we can take, with a multiplicity of tactics. I believe that this needs to turn into a grassroots movement.
The Ones Who Walk Away From Patriarchy.
The Ones Who Walk Away From Male Privilege.
The Ones Who Mean It.
As mentioned above, for many men, caught in the daily grind of our lives, it might not even feel as if we are part of the privileged group. In a structural sense we are, though, and that is what’s key here. Data makes it clear for everyone to see. Data never lies. White, cis, straight, males still are the dominant class. In fucking 2025? Come on!
If you still need convincing, here are just a few data-points:
· In 2022 worldwide there were almost 50’000 femicides (gender related killings). This means, on average, more than 133 women or girls were killed every single day, that’s one femicide every 10 minutes. Most of them were killed by male intimate partners or male family members. The following years look similar. The trend goes up.
· The overwhelming majority of rape and sexual assault cases occur in intimate relationships and are perpetrated by men.
· In 2022 there were 3200 billionaires in the world (that’s 3200 too many, we all agree). Only 400 (12.5%) of these were women, and 45 % of these came into their wealth through inheritance.
· In 2024 25 women acted as heads of state, that’s roughly 20% of all heads of state.
· Only 10.4% of fortune 500 companies are run by women CEOs.
I hope we can agree, that to this day men dominate all the relevant areas (under the current, capitalist system) and are responsible for most of the violence and abuse. Why would we need to “prove” this? We might as well have believed women.
I don’t know about you. But i find these numbers shocking. Meanwhile, the anti-woke and anti-feminist backlash is getting in full swing, as they start to roll back a “feminist or woke revolution” that was never even completed. Others have pointed out, in more eloquent ways, that the anti-feminist backlash might be understood as the time of monsters, with the old guard is railing its head, because it senses that the time on top has just about run out (Gramsci much?).
Since i keep pivoting back to it, it might be worth it to delve into the discrepancy between the lived reality and structural dominance a bit more. Might the reason why many men hesitate to take a stand precisely be because it does not feel to them, as individuals, as if they were in a powerful or even privileged position? How do we square this particular circle without falling into the obvious traps? Without starting to shout unhelpful slogans like “Not All Men”? Why is there an anti-feminist backlash spreading all around the world? Why now? Why again? Why are so many young men attracted to the Andrew Tate’s, Jordan Peterson’s and Donald Trump’s of this world? And what the fuck can we do about it?
An explanation might be found in the discrepancy between our lived experience, on the one hand, in which we try our best to behave in respectful and decent ways, and the overwhelming structural problems, on the other hand, which are such large, problematic structures that we can’t do much about them, and which were imposed on us as well. Maybe many of us identify with the (sexist!) role of the doer—as men often do, ugh, and let’s drop that already—and hence we don’t enjoy situations where they can’t do much to affect any type of reasonable change.
But hold on. It’s not difficult to take a small step back, and maybe another half step to the side. And take a deep breath. Together. Deep breathe in. And out. And maybe even have a short laugh. Because that’s the savior complex. And we are not that special, remember?
Once we accept it to be true, what our FLINTA and LGBTQI+ comrades have been shouting, namely that sexism, patriarchy and white privilege still dominate most of the relevant aspects in our societies, we can then decide to join them. We can join their team. We get to join the team that fights for equality and solidarity, and that fights against privilege, hierarchies and dominance. And we get to leave the team of the monsters, of the ones who are throwing a pathetic tantrum in their desperate plight to maintain an outdated status quo. We get to leave the monsters who want to keep us all stuck in the past.
Ask yourself this. At what point does your silence turn you into a part of the problem, make you complicit? In what way does your silent compliance keep male privileges alive? At what point does your silence turn opportunistic, while you in secret enjoy your structural privileges?
Look, fine, i give up.
All i know is that i for one can’t stay silent for one more second.
How about you?
I think we have to stand up. Scream. As loud as we can. Maybe even scream it from the rooftops.
I for can’t tolerate this situation any longer.
How about you?
I must be one of the ones who walk away from patriarchy.
Which is why i must speak out against sexism, racism, ableism, anti-trans and anti-LGBTQI+ and all that other reactionary bullshit.
Care to join?
We are so close. Think about it. If enough men leave their privilege behind, and decide to become allies to the oppressed, this will have established the numerical majority on this our small planet, and then we can start to shift the power balance. And this time for good.
The future is feminist (and anti-fascist, anti-capitalist, anti-ableist, anti-ageist, anti-colonialist, anti-racist, trans- and gay-friendly, obviously).
Are you in?
What follows are some practical steps that we might take. I don’t pretend that this list is complete, but it’s all i could think of. Mixed in our a few general thoughts and reflections that might be helpful for us to consider:
· Most important of all, we need to ask women—in our circles, in our community, in our activist groups—how we can help and listen to what they say. We can try to be their allies, but only if they want it and only in the way they want us to be.
· None of this is about us. Not in any way, shape or form. We need to erase ourselves and support their struggle. During feminist protests there are plenty of things that we can do in the background, cook, do child care.
· When no one asks you for help, and that makes you sad, reflect on your savior complex. Another huge trap.
· Ask for feedback. It is always best to invite feedback. When critique is made welcome it might even sting less.
· The goal is to learn and un-learn. Together.
· Stand with the oppressed. But even, and this is even more important, listen to the oppressed. Amplify their voices. Make sure to follow and boost their voices on socials, in your feeds, everywhere.
· Use your voice. But know when to shut up.
· Take active steps to reject your privilege. It’s only fair. It might hurt at times while balance gets established. But we will all feel so much better once everyone has equal power.
– If you witness abusive language or behavior in real life try to take a stand against it. Speak out, object, confront. But be careful with – – – > the savior complex. Oppose toxic behavior when you spot it in others. And also in yourself. This takes so much more courage than to nod along during “locker room talk” and sexist jokes. Not saying it’s easy, but it needs doing.
· Try to find support networks with other men, in order to create a place where theoretical reflection but also vulnerability and mutual emotional support are possible. But stay away from the anti-feminists plowing this particular field. Most of the so-called “men’s rights activists” are sadly driven by deeply reactionary motivations. Avoid.
· If you have a son, or are in contact with boys, try to inspire them by showing them different ways of being a man, of someone who is at peace with himself in the world, or maybe despite of it, without going for the stereotypical macho toxic bullshit.
· Don’t allow yourself to get pigeonholed into “typical male” behavior. Avoid the narrow frame that is considered to be “normal” male behavior. Boys and men always cry, grief, are afraid, laugh, emote, feel emotions and intuit. They just pretend not to.
· When we walk away from structural, patriarchal privilege it helps to understand this as a process. There is no there there. This demands a permanent examination. If that feels overwhelming, or maybe frustrating, let us take a breath, decompress and do some self-care (yes, never forget to do self-care!). Maybe if it feels that way, that’s because it is. And that’s fine. Maybe it ought to feel overwhelming and at times frustrating. This process demands nothing less from us than a complete overhaul of the existing social order. But not all of it will be heavy or negative. Learning how to change our ways, un-learning our old patterns, can often be playful and exhilarating.
· If I can’t dance to it, I don’t want any part of walking away from patriarchy and male privilege. But the thing is, we can dance to it. Let’s make this the wildest dance party ever.
· Nobody is perfect. Perfection is not the aim. If we think in (or act based upon) the binary value system, say in categories like good versus bad, we only mimic the old system, which is never helpful. Think grey tones. Act in all the colors of the rainbow.
The point is not to tolerate harm as inevitable nor draw up balance sheets between someone’s good deeds and bad deeds as though we had Ma’at’s feather in our back pocket. The point is to recognize that every goddamn person on this planet walks around all day with the capacity to do good and the capacity to do harm and we all do both.
~ Peter Gelderloos
· If you say something mean, maybe in the heat of an argument, that can happen. The most important part is to never deny that it happened and to always apologize afterwards. Keep the slate clean.
· Never stop to practice an honest self-examination. Be brutally honest with yourself. Make yourself as vulnerable as is bearable. Examine yourself, in order to understand your patterns, triggers as well as the subtle ways of how you keep milking male privilege. Work through it with your partner(s) and friend(s). Eye to eye. Speak tacheles.
· Horizontality is the goal. And this begins in the here and now. Brutal honesty is the way. No holds barred vulnerability is the attitude. Not only will this deepen the levels of intimacy and compassion in your relationships, it will also help you to recognize similar patterns, when you spot them in others.
· Mansplaining and gaslighting are habitual patterns how male dominance can manifest. These subtle forms of abuse, alongside others, need our continued and honest examination.
· Gender is a spectrum and as such gender identity offers us many wonderful and playful possibilities. On the other hand, privileges based on biological markers can get lost.
· Taking the long view here, big picture, we are in this together. Any power imbalance is bound to correct itself, sooner rather than later. With that in mind, does it not sound like the better plan to be a part of the solution, already now, instead of remaining a part of the problem?
· To go even more structural, or systemic, hierarchical systems are one of the root causes of the problem. Hierarchies create, maintain and institutionalize power imbalances. Any form of hierarchy is prone to create abuses of power.
· At the place of work it is difficult, if not impossible, to avoid hierarchical settings. That’s how capitalism rolls, baby. But hierarchies are not only most prevalent at work, they are also most difficult to tackle there. In all the other areas of our lives we can seek out (or even create) horizontal structures, basing themselves in consensus and accountability. That offers one way to counterbalance our frustrations with work. In our spare time let us think in prefigurative ways and create the world that we want to see. Eventually what we learn there might bleed back into our work situation.
· We are one humanity stuck on one planet. And there isn’t a planet B, as the lovely slogan goes. We are 8 billion and we need to find solutions that are fair, equitable and sustainable for everyone. The current anti-feminist backlash can be read as the desperate attempt of those in power to cling to the ways of old, aiming to keep us stuck in patriarchy. But that’s not a sustainable model. The many existential crises that humanity needs to address right now, or yesterday—the climate crisis, immigration, economic and social injustice, wars and nation states—would best be addressed on equal footing with others. Those of us, who have been given unfair privilege through our biological sex, which lead to unfair advantages, need to be willing to take the first step to abandon this. It is best to take the first step in such a situation instead of waiting until we have to comply later.
· Not all feminisms. Some feminists are not at all interested in liberation. Steer clear of TERFs, SWERFs, trad wives, girl bosses, you name it. For more on this topic, i can recommend the excellent, new book Enemy Feminisms by Sophie Lewis. Align yourself with feminists comrades who are staunchly libératoire, anti-fascist and anti-capitalist.
· In case you haven’t noticed this yet, anti-feminism, or in its extended version, all that anti-woke nonsense, is part and parcel of the nationalist-populist, or i call it fascist, project. To oppose this with a pro-feminist anti-patriarchal etc. position is an anti-fascist practice. The right side of history and all.
· If you happen to be religious and your holy book seems to justify male dominance (if read in a literal instead of a metaphorical sense), please remember that these books were written many, many, many centuries ago. We need to demand these books to be re-written, or re-interpreted, if you prefer, for the current moment. Or even better, let us write new books.
· Cultivate humility.
· We got this. It is time to laugh these patriarchs, these abusers, these monsters out of the village. (O’rly!? What does that have to do with humility, mentioned above?!)
In case anyone read it all the way to this point, pheew, thank you.
That’s all i have.
It’s pretty messy in parts and i am certain that i forgot many aspects, and that it contains mistakes.
Maybe we can elaborate together?
Maybe we can start a virtual pro-feminist men’s group?
Please let me know in comments.
Image source:
Cover: Das Patriarchat Tötet
Rapist in the white house – Rape culture worldwide
Sous nos collages – la rage
La revolution féministe est antifasciste