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DOWNLOAD: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 3 | Slow Death [186.2 MB – 01:13:12 – 320kbs]
TITLE: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 3 | Slow Death
//cw: mention of death wish and suicidal ideation
“How can I speak of sensitivity when so many are pushed toward bare life? Is this really a time for picking up signals, for listening to those who perceive subtle shifts? Isn’t it all a blaring alarm?”
~ Eleni Stecopoulos – Dreaming in the Fault Zone (as are all other quotes unless stated otherwise)
I’m the first person to admit it. What i am doing here is pretty strange. To write an essay about silence, noise, sensitivity, hyperacusis and the pain, anxiety and suicidal ideation associated with it. And to then accompany it with a mixtape. In other words, with more noise. What an absurd idea!? But there you have it. I must be pretty strange.
Why do i even bother to publish my desperate plea? I am well aware that this blog has (almost) no readers. I am also certain that by now (almost) everyone thinks of me as a whiny loser, as someone who keeps complaining about their first world problems.
I have no clue why i do it. But i can’t not do it (and end up wasting tons of time on it).
But this is the end of this series. Promise.
What i will say is this. That my suffering is real, existential even (first world problem or not). That i lack the stoicism to suffer in silence (ha!). And that by posting more whiny crap online i only add noise to the noise (ha!).
The internet, already a noisy place, is where my plea for support goes to die.
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So anyway. In parts 1 and 2 of this strange essay/mixtape series i attempted to lay out the problem i have with noise and noise pollution. How Long COVID has made my preexisting hyperacusis exponentially worse. Furthermore i hope that i was able to show how this is not only my problem. Up to 40% of humans suffer from (some degree of) hyperacusis, with several well known thinkers and philosophers affected. Many of the other species of animals, with whom we are supposed to share a planet, suffer because of all the noise we humans impose on them.
In the third part of the series, i try to look at possible solutions. Ask the questions, who is going to support us–the noise sensitive—with this structural problem? Is noise sensitivity even a topic getting discussed? The short answers: (almost) no one will support us. And nope, both noise sensitivity and noise pollution are non-starters and in many ways almost taboo topics.
In my lived experience as someone who is bothered by noise, (almost) everyone finds me annoying. They think of me as a party pooper or, in the best case scenario, ignore me.
In short, a person who suffers from noise is on their own.
Done.
You can stop reading now.
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In reality things are much worse. Belittling or ignoring me would be harmless reactions, compared to what actually happens. In reality i get gaslit, shunned, ridiculed, shamed, and, increasingly so, provoked or trolled. I hesitate to add the word tortured to the list, even if i could make the case. Some of my current neighbors know full well how much they make me suffer, deprive me of sleep, prevent me from healing etc. Yet they continue to inflict their noise on me, with gleeful sadism.
What everyone, and their dog, keeps telling me is that i should “just be more tolerant”. As if there was a magic button somewhere to help me achieve this feat. As if i simply messed up my “tolerance” settings. As if i wasn’t already yelling the same thing at myself. All. The. Fucking. Time. “Just be more tolerant. Ignore your suffering, your lived experience. Put on a brave face. Don’t be so pathetic. So goddamn weak” on and on and on and on. The self-gaslighting is strong.
However, their idea of tolerance only ever cuts one way. I am expected to be tolerant of them, of all the noisy people around me, and never once complain about it. In return no one is meant to be tolerant of me and my needs (for more quiet and consideration). It is not helpful that i struggle to keep my problem a secret. Which makes me an easy target, a freak, someone who ends up getting blamed for everything. They sure seem to enjoy to make me suffer. No really, you should see the smirking expressions they make. They love it, the passive-aggressive fucks.
It drives me into utter despair.
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“Poet George Quasha has called healing “radical listening.” Public health calls for acute perception of differences in the effort to remake a society where all thrive. This is how aesthetics matter to equity.”
Whenever i have this type of a problem—one where personal meet structural issues—i turn to my (former) radical leftist comrades, in the hopes of finding some support from them, or at least some understanding, solidarity.
After all, considering how many people suffer under the noise (which late stage capitalism imposes on all of us)–the disabled, neurodivergent, chronically ill, elderly, and many others–it would be easy to understand noise pollution/sensitivity as yet another discriminatory issue, one almost on par with racism, sexism, classism etc. To not address such a systemic issue—that effects everyone, by the way, whether they are aware of it or not—surely must be read as a form of ableism.
But the radical left does not give one flying fuck about this issue. Worse yet, in regards to noise the radical left not only has an enormous blind spot, they are also some of the worst offenders, when it comes to ridiculing those of us who are disturbed by their noise, and who dare to voice it. They try to shame us into smithereens. With arrogant glee, motivated by their able-bodied supremacy.
Sadly this is no surprise. In the ongoing pandemic the radical left continues to display their most disgusting ableism (at least here in Europe). My former comrades were among the first to rip their masks off, to plan superspreader events. They continue to be among the worst, when it comes to protecting vulnerable comrades. And some “anarchists” even went as far as joining nazis at the anti-masking protests. They joined the enemy in their puerile anti-state stance.
Nope. No support to be expected from that side. Radical leftists are no longer a reliable network for someone like me. There are too many ableist assholes among them.
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If you are chronically ill, and/or maybe old, disabled, neurodivergent, and you crave (or for health reasons even need) more peace and quiet in your life, forget about it. You should never even mention it. Because if you do people, will turn around and blame you instead. For not being “tolerant” enough.
As if tolerance was even an issue at play here. Since when am i meant to be tolerant towards someone who inflicts pain and suffering on me? What kind of twisted logic is that?
Of course we need to show tolerance for people. Of course we can never discriminate against others based on their gender, skin color, sexual preference, class, provenience or whatever. Of course we aim to create intersectional movements. But speaking of which, where is the tolerance for the disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent and our special needs?
When they tell me to “just be more tolerant” what they really mean is “be more tolerant of our noise and our inability to act in consideration”. When they tell me to “live and let live”, what they really mean is for me to “live and soak up all their noise, like a sponge, and never once complain about it. Or get shamed, shunned or ridiculed”.
As such, tolerance has been turned into a weaponized term. Tolerance for who? To protect who? Why? When? How? These are the questions that we should ask. But very few do.
As a weaponized term, tolerance only ever protects the loud people, the brutes, the reckless. So you can fuck right off with that kind of “tolerance”. What we need is solidarity, a willingness to care for, to protect the most vulnerable. Including those who suffer under the capitalist noise imperative.
Hold on, before anyone huffs themself up, of course there needs to be a time and a space for loud, raunchy, nihilistic fun, for party, for noise. I used to love those as well. But i am convinced that it is possible to organise wild, and even loud parties in ways that are not an imposition on those others, who for whatever reason do not want to (or cannot) join.
In cities there could be designated party areas, maybe surrounded with noise protection. Apartments in that area would only be rented to work-related units. At night, it’s party time. I might even join, should i ever find the spoons again to do so. Or what about headphone parties?
Okay, this clearly needs more thought. But i think it’s possible.
As it stands people throw their noisy parties anywhere they want, in forests, on beaches, in every corner of the city. They do not give one damn about the people that this might disturb, rob of their sleep. They dish their noise out, anywhere, no matter what surroundings. Many make money throwing these parties. How sleepless neighbors deal with their noise? Somehow not their problem.
How is that a sustainable model? How can it be fair that only those who are insensitive to noise deserve a good life or a good night of sleep? How can it be acceptable that i lay awake every weekend, kept awake by techno beats from somewhere, or other, in the vicinity?
The main reason why it makes me suicidal to even thinking about these questions is because i see no way how this might ever improve. The situation is out of control, and only getting worse.
Bluetooth speakers are everywhere. On remote beaches. In nature. River rafting. Hiking. Hoping to find some quiet in nature? You can be sure to encounter some asshole with a bluetooth speakers in their backpack, who thinks that blasting loud music into the landscape is acceptable behavior. And if you dare to address it, they will laugh in your face (i have tested this for you).
#@@$$%$$@@#
How about practical solutions?
Some people might be tempted to ask “have you tried …”.
Yes. Of course i have tried every*fucking*thing. In fact i have spent lots of money on white noise machines (that i like), on noise cancelling headphones (that i hate, because they make me claustrophobic, plus i hear my tinnitus better) and on a number of other devices, gimmicks or what have you. It’s an entire industry by now. There are apps, gadgets, miracle cures. Most of it bullshit.
Not only do these items cost money to purchase, that i am somehow meant to front, energy to run, at yet more cost for me, but they are not an actual solution. At best they are “a technical solution for a social problem”.
What would make an actual difference is dialog. Consensus-building. A veto-right. But forget about that.
In the hyper-individualised world that we have created, people prefer to act out their every whim and shame those who ask them for consideration. By doing so they pander to a tried and tested blame-shifting mechanism. For all systemic issues, individualise the responsibility. Neoliberalism is now everywhere.
A bit more consideration from my neighbors and I wouldn’t need to fire up the white noise machine every fucking night, not waste so much fucking energy, which makes me feel guilty. But as it stands i need to do it in order to find at least some sleep. Sleep-deprivation is still a form of torture.
Another technical solution would be pills. Which sometimes i do indulge in. But pills come at a price. They have side effects, can lead to addiction, yadda yadda. And big pharma is rubbing its greedy hands.
The flow of the seasons could also be helpful. A loud summer, when people want to spend more time outside, would be made bearable, if it was followed by a calm winter, when people stay indoors. But our neighbors scream at each other on their balconies all year long. No down time ever, and it’s only getting worse. My trusted white noise machine will soon run out of settings.
In short, some technical solutions can indeed help. A bit. But why should they be needed? Why can’t there be mediation and compromise instead? Why can’t we create a society where everyone can thrive (and not only loud brutes?)
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“To hear one must be silent”
~ Ogion to a young Ged in The Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin
Recklessness makes me angry. But where am i meant to go with this anger?
In this clusterfuck of a predicament, in a hyper-individualised, capitalist, consumer culture, what i am meant to do with my anger is to swallow it. I am meant to play it cool. Never show any weakness. Because any weakness will get exploited. Trust me. The trolls have moved offline as well.
Every once in a while my frustration gets the better of me and i act out a little bit. I slam a door or let out a frustrated howl. But that only backfires. Their acting out gets worse after, because they now feel justified.
This is why i restrict myself. I never listen to loud music, avoid making any noise, tiptoe around the apartment, close windows and doors as quietly as possible. Because if i don’t—and i am speaking from experience here—neighbors will use this as their excuse for revenge noise.
I try to set an example, hope to inspire some people to behave with more consideration. But that never happens.
To be honest, in my opinion loud brutes are egocentric assholes. But it goes far beyond that. They are anthropocentric supremacists.
Anyone who has ever been in nature knows this. Let’s say you enjoy a quiet moment observing the birds or other animals. But the birds go quiet, the foxes disappear, the beavers dive under the water as soon as the loud people (with their dogs) approach. Nature goes into hiding. They hide from the brutes that we call humans.
Only in a civilisation, where meat is sold in the supermarket, wrapped in plastic, can the human species behave like this. I hate to sound like an anarcho-primitivist here. But humans, who behave like loud brutes in nature, only show that they have lost all connection to and all respect for nature.
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I feel petty writing this. That’s by design. Shame is the tool that keeps people like myself silent. My internalized gaslighting is a constant. But this goes beyond me and my personal experience. It’s a cultural thing. In our hyper-individualised world no one is willing to tone down their noise for, say, a sick, suffering neighbor. They pay rent or own the place, so they think that they can act out however they want. Never mind that i, next door, can’t live the way i want.
All this leaves no space for people like me. If i think about this problem in terms of individual freedom, it feels impossible to solve it. Because certain attitudes are mutually exclusive. My individual preference for peace and quiet gets cancelled ten fold by the loud people around me.
Loud assholes dominate every conceivable situation. It’s the survival of the loudest (a variant of the “survival of the fittest”) out there.
The only solution is to go deaf (which is what my noise sensitive mother has recommended to me).
Or to die.
Death will be peaceful.
Your noise is my slow death.
“Sensitivity is suspect to a masculinist society that mandates constant productivity and disembodiment.”
A quick note on the music: As you may have noticed, this series of mixtapes featured lots of tracks by Boards of Canada. The covers (that my amazing partner designed) are also inspired by a BoC aesthetic.
I decided to do this, because after more than twelve years without a new album, i started to give up hope. I wanted to create an hommage, or maybe a farewell, or maybe an invocation, by using some of my favorite tracks.
Little did i know, that since then BoC has announced their new album Inferno, WHOOPEE. I can’t wait to hear it. Exiting times. I hope i can somehow survive until release day.
So there it is.
I hope my mixtape can offer a brief escape from all the noise.
If this is the case, please tell a friend 😉
[Please consider supporting these artists, by following the bandcamp links (if available) below]
TRACKLIST:
1. EL-P – Marooned
2. billy woods – Born Alone
3. anaiis – Deus Deus
4. Tenashee – Tell Me Something ft. Gaia Weiss
5. Boards of Canada – 1969
6. Joni Mitchell – Woodstock
7. Stevie Wonder – Ai No Sono/Seasons
8. Fingathing – The Garden
9. MF Doom – Dead Bent
10. Boards of Canada – Kid For Today
11. Fingathing – Head To Head
12. MF Doom – Bonus Beat (Dead Bent/Doomsday)
13. Raye – Genesis
14. Wrongtom presents Dubstack – An EKO In Space
14.1 Girl In The Year Above – Teardrop (from OST Peaky Blinders – The Immortal Man)
15. Emeka Ogboh – No Counterfeit
16. Fugees – Ready Or Not (Handel’s Yaard Vibe Mix)
17. Palomo v. Los Socios Del Ritmo – Llorar
18. ViVii – Savant (gOld On gOld Remix)
19. billy woods – Golgotha
20. Goldie – Dragonfly (Dengue Dengue Dengue Remix)
21. Le Mystère Des Voix Bulgares – Prituri Se Planinata
22. Little Simz – Backseat
23. Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – Purple Afternoon
24. Eartheater – How To Fight
25. “Tepeji 21” (from OST of Roma)
26. Mira Calix – In A Beautiful Place Out In The Country (Original by Boards Of Canada)
27. Modeselektor – Blessed Speed
28. LILA SOVIA, Lena Stoehrfaktor – Lesbisch Aus Prinzip
29. Baby Volcano – Swiss Anxiety
30. Salomé Käsemodel – Helvetia
31. Siriusmo – High Together
32. Modeselektor – This Track Kills Fascism
33. Anne Clark – Our Darkness (Marc Romboy Respect Mix)
34. Lie Ning – Utopia
35. Barry Can’t Swim – Machine Noise For A Quiet Daydream ft. Séamus
36. Sir Mantis – Sorry Not Sorry
37. Kim Gordon – Dirty Tech
38. Bushwacka! – V.O.A.T.
38.1 DakhaBrakha – Dytyatochko
39. Detroit Grand Pubahs – Sandwiches
40. Steff La Cheffe – Stoff
41. clocolan – Waiting for the End of Something
SAMPLES:
Joey Gluten – Self Care, Patience.s02e02, Josh Johnson, Train Dreams.2025, For All Mankind.s01e10, Alan Chadwick Garden Song Interview Outtakes, The New Alchemists.1974, Death Panel – Lifemaking in the Margins of Urban Space, I’m Yer Son And I’m Yer Dad, Down Cemetery Road.s01e04, Peaky Blinders – The Immortal Man.2026, Emeka Ogboh – ‘Lagos is a City That is Never Silent’, Fela Kuti – Fear No Man.e12, John Butler – Silence is never boring, ixi – Boards of Canada Tape 05 emergency reactionalysis, The Capture.s03e03
COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a infinitelovillion.
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COPYLEFT:
All music and audio is borrowed with the utmost respect for its creators. I consider this to be fair use. The material is created purely for fun and to share with my online friends. There is no commercial transaction involved.
I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.
All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.