tl;dr At this point in time we (men) need to just shut up and listen to women’s anger. We need to be willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and at our sexist and possibly abusive patterns of behavior. Moving beyond sexism is a process that may well take quite some time. Honesty and a willingness to change are necessary prerequisites to facilitate this process. But now, first and foremost, men need to express their unwavering solidarity towards women.
There is no doubt, the hashtag #metoo has sent shock waves around the world. As it bloody well should. Thanks to the many brave women taking a stance finally sexual misconduct and sexist behavior conducted by men gets challenged on a larger scale. Sadly in our celebrity-driven culture it was necessary that some famous actresses, models and politicians took the lead. But the ripple effect will be huge, since this (hopefully) will lead to every individual man having a hard look at his own sexist or even sexually inappropriate and abusive behavior, and deciding to get started in the process of change. After centuries of oppression of women and LGBTQ people a fundamental change can only be viewed as a positive thing. Enough is enough. It’s time to finally stop this.
Of course this situation will create some level of insecurity in men. No one is above this. In a culture so entrenched in sexism every man should be willing to inspect himself. Personally, I went through weeks of scanning my own past behavior, analyzing my actions and attitude towards women, and naturally I found questionable moments, thankfully nothing hugely inappropriate (at least not in my eyes). Where this was possible I apologized, but mostly I decided to be ready to listen to women’s anger should they confront me. Looking forward, from now on, if any woman will mirror sexist patterns to me, I will listen and do my best to avoid falling into them going forward. This process could keep me (and us men) busy for some time to come, because it is a systemic issue, and no man is exempt from it.
It seems obvious that this process will make men insecure. Of course they will wonder what still is considered appropriate behavior. Just one example: Stephen Colbert (I watch his show regularly, in some way it helps me keep sane in the current political clusterfuck) lately seems to test how to be flirty with female guests on his show post-#metoo. Over the past few weeks this lead to some cringe worthy dialogs with women. His compliments towards Claire Danes and Uma Thurman were awkward, to say the least. But worst of all was the moment with Gwyneth Paltrow, when Stephen asked her to make a V shape with her hands to slip a pearl (or whatever that was) into the gap. While not exactly sexually inappropriate this was very strange behavior. With this weirdness happening over recent weeks, I wonder if there has been a directive from above, a strategic move, asking Colbert to explore in his show how flirtatiousness can still work. Well, so far this is failing miserably.
Time is up for toxic male behavior, and change needs to be actively pursued. It sits deep in all our pores. We need to jump into the sweat lodge to detox and die to the old self, symbolically, get rid of the old ways. So yes, (some. most?) men are now insecure, and that is of course, in the big picture, a positive thing. To abandon a position of privilege is never an easy feat. Plus any cultural shift will move through various phases, this is part and parcel of such a process. As such, insecurity should be welcomed, not fought. The longer range goal of course being that we (men) need to learn how not to fall into sexist patterns of behavior while still being flirty, funny, playful, even provocative. We need to learn how to be strong, proud men, but based on an unwavering respect for and solidarity with women. If we now invite this phase of insecurity, the process will get much easier and feel more natural over time. If we resist insecurity, the process will be much more drawn out. So it would be best to just surrender to it.
However toxic male behavior has been on such steep rise, it feels like th negative backlash is in full effect. Sadly too many men fight this cultural shift tooth and nail. Some simply claim that sexism no longer exists to then proceed in threatening and abusive behavior towards women to prove just the opposite is the case. Instead of taking a breath, trusting women and listening to their accounts of sexism and sexual abuse, these men react with vitriol and barely contained aggression. Often under the guise of online “anonymity”, these men group up to attack outspoken women. Possibly the men engaging in this type of bullshit are a relatively small group in numbers, but they are a very vocal group, that has picked up the tools and tricks from online trolls and is quite efficient at networking, and spreading their hatred. Some may actually do this just for the lulz, out of, oh I don’t know, boredom? But there is no joke here. This type of behavior just will no longer fly. Roughly half of humanity is female and they deserve our respect. Misogyny needs to stop now.
As just one recent example among way too many Laurie Penny received death threats after posting the following fairly harmless tweet:
‘Men are trash’ is a phrase I adore because it implies *waste*. Toxic masculinity wastes so much human potential, but so much can be reclaimed, if we are clever and committed. I hope we’re on the cusp of a giant recycling program. #metoo
— Laurie Penny (@PennyRed) February 6, 2018
With just a little bit of good will anyone can understand that trash here is used in the metaphorical sense. Of course Laurie is not saying that men literally are trash. She clearly specifies that she is talking about toxic masculinity, and she hopes that even some of this can be recycled. But apparently some men read her words in the most literal, negative interpretation and felt entitled to spew their hatred, even death threats. Now if this is not toxic behavior, I don’t know what is.
Laurie even had the grandeur to apologize a few days later, but the abuse kept coming:
Hey. Thread. I’ve been thinking more about my ‘I like the phrase ‘men are trash’’ tweet last night. I want to apologise. I meant it to be a hopeful and positive observation, but I phrased it in an insensitive and hurtful way. >
— Laurie Penny (@PennyRed) February 6, 2018
We simply can not expect women to always express their frustration in a palatable, pleasant way. Of course women are angry. After centuries of abuse and oppression under patriarchal rule, women have every right to be angry and to be loud.
So really, men, what the fuck is going on?
The impact of the #Metoo debate has been far reaching, as it should, and of course as men we need to have a hard look at our own behavior. It is behavior we are talking about, and behavior can be changed. No one is attacking men for being born male. So let us just say “challenge accepted” and start questioning our privilege and our sexist and possibly abusive patterns of behavior. Let us throw toxic masculinity onto the trash heap of history (metaphor alert!), because certain expressions of male hatred are not only trash, they are actually toxic waste that needs (!not optional) to be stopped. It is (also) up to us men to call out other men on their misogynous behavior (online and elsewhere).
See, this is quite simple. The best and most productive response at the moment will be to just shut the fuck up and listen when women speak of their experiences with sexist and abusive behavior. Take a deep breath. Then let this sink in, feel women’s pain and take this as inspiration to want to change. Keep breathing. The only time we need to speak up is when we witness misogynistic situations, the threats and abuses, on- or offline, that’s when we need take a stance in solidarity with women and their struggle.
So let’s get started.
Featured image, others from Twitter (linked when possible)